Paragraph Revision

Original:
Collaboration offers people the opportunity to learn and experience things they have possibly never been exposed to before. Plagiarism is collaboration. Lethem quotes Thomas Jefferson on his stance on plagiarism, saying, “‘He who receives an idea from me, receives instruction himself without lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine, receives light without darkening me’” (Lethem 218). While plagiarism is often used for nefarious purposes, it can also be used for good. When someone gets an idea from someone else is learning. They are being exposed to ideas and thoughts that they may have never been able to think of on their own, and can use this to teach themselves and others. Plagiarism leads to collective learning, as ideas are being shared and used for new purposes. The individual agency behind the collective learning is evident, as it is the individual who must take this knowledge and use his or her own mind to find a use for it. Lethem moves on to analyze Walt Disney and the astonishing amount of his works that were based off of the ideas of others. Disney committed an act of imperial plagiarism, which is “the enclosure of commonwealth culture for the benefit of a sole or corporate owner . . .the free use of Third World or “primitive” artworks and styles by more privileged (and better paid) artists” (Lethem 220). While still a collaboration, this collective learning emphasizes the benefit of the individual. To the outside world, it appears that these stories were Disney’s own ideas, and that he was creating them to share with the world and make others happy; however, it is clear that Disney benefitted more than the general public.

Revised:
Collaboration offers people the opportunity to learn and experience things they have possibly never been exposed to before. Plagiarism is collaboration. Ideas are being passed around from person to person, teaching the recipient something they may have never discovered on their own. Lethem quotes Thomas Jefferson on his stance on plagiarism, saying, “‘He who receives an idea from me, receives instruction himself without lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine, receives light without darkening me’” (Lethem 218). While plagiarism is often used for nefarious purposes, it can also be used for good. When someone gets an idea from someone else, that person is learning. They are being exposed to ideas and thoughts that they themselves may have never been able to think of, and can use this to learn and teach others. Plagiarism leads to collective learning, as ideas are being shared and used for new purposes. An idea from one author can be used by another to create a whole new work. The individual agency behind the collective learning is evident, as it is the individual who must take this knowledge and use his or her own mind to find a use for it. Following his discussion of Jefferson's ideas, Lethem moves on to analyze Walt Disney. Many of Disney's works were based off of the ideas of others. Disney committed an act of imperial plagiarism, which is “the enclosure of commonwealth culture for the benefit of a sole or corporate owner . . .the free use of Third World or “primitive” artworks and styles by more privileged (and better paid) artists” (Lethem 220). While still a collaboration, this collective learning emphasizes the benefit of the individual. To the outside world, it appears that these stories were Disney’s own ideas, and that he was creating them to share with the world and make others happy; however, it is clear that Disney benefitted more than the general public. In this collaboration, Disney was the main beneficiary. The original minds behind the ideas do not receive the recognition that Disney did. Titles like "The Little Mermaid," "Snow White," or "Cinderella," are nearly universally associated with Disney. When people hear these stories, they instantly think of Disney and his famous animations. Disney would not be as famous as he is today without his collaborations, yet the original authors are not nearly as recognizable as Disney. When looking at people like Disney, the individual aspect of collaboration becomes clear. While Disney collaborated with other authors to create his stories, he was only focused on himself and his success. Typically, collaboration insinuates that multiple people worked on a piece and all deserve equal credit. In Disney's case, however, collaboration resulted in Disney alone receiving nearly all the credit. Without collaboration, Disney may have never become such a famous storyteller, and, more importantly, most of the population may have never known of these stories.

Response to Reviewer's Comments:
My reviewer commented that my thesis was too specific in that I argued more than what my thesis stated I would. It had too narrow of a focus. My thesis only talks about how within collaboration, individuals are making their own decisions that contribute to the larger system as a whole. My paper, however, also discusses how individuals can use collaboration to learn and offer profound new ideas. Also, in the paragraphs above, my reviewer mentioned that I needed to further explain Disney's place and how he benefitted as an individual through collective learning. My revisions connect to my thesis because I edited my thesis to include the other aspects of my argument, and the above paragraph supports one of these aspects.